Dating is an exciting part of adulthood, and our loved ones deserve the same opportunities to build healthy, loving relationships as anyone else. For many family caregivers, figuring out how to support healthy dating for adults with Down Syndrome can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re unsure where to begin.
This guide brings together practical strategies from sexuality educator Terri Couwenhoven, MS, CSE, to help you confidently support your loved ones as they explore dating, relationships, and intimacy in safe, healthy, and empowering ways.
Supporting Healthy Dating for Adults with Down Syndrome
Adults with Down Syndrome often begin dating with:
- Less information about relationships.
- Limited opportunities to practice social skills.
- Smaller social networks.
- Caregiver‑controlled environments.
- Fewer chances for privacy and independence.
None of this means they can’t date successfully. It simply means they benefit from coaching, permission, and clear information — the same support all young adults need, just delivered more intentionally.
Terri’s PLISSIT Model is a helpful framework:
- P – Permission: Let them know it’s okay to have crushes, want companionship, and talk about feelings.
- LI – Limited Information: Offer simple, accurate information about dating, boundaries, and communication.
- SS – Specific Suggestions: Teach concrete skills like how to ask someone out or how to handle rejection.
- IT – Intensive Therapy: Only needed when deeper emotional or behavioral concerns arise.
Most adults with Down Syndrome thrive with the first three levels.
Step 1: Finding Someone Who Interests You
Finding a potential partner is often the hardest part. Adults with Down Syndrome may have:
- Limited social circles.
- Few age‑appropriate peers.
- Difficulty meeting new people.
- A tendency to see caregivers or staff as potential partners.
You can help by:
- Encouraging participation in clubs, classes, church groups, or community programs.
- Supporting involvement in both disability‑specific and mainstream social spaces.
- Helping identify new hobbies or interests.
- Reinforcing boundaries (e.g., “Paid helpers and family members are not dating options.”).
A rich social life creates real opportunities for connection.
Step 2: Checking for Mutual Interest
A relationship can only begin when both people are interested. Adults with Down Syndrome may need help understanding:
How to Send Signals
- Smiling
- Saying hello
- Starting a conversation
- Giving a compliment
- Asking a simple question
How to Read Signals
- Does the person smile back?
- Do they move closer or farther away?
- Do they seem happy to talk?
- Do they ask questions in return?
If interest isn’t mutual, it’s important to teach:
- Flirting is only for people who are old enough, single, and interested.
- If someone doesn’t respond positively, it’s time to stop and move on.
- Sexual feelings are normal — and can be managed privately at home.
These skills protect emotional wellbeing and prevent misunderstandings.
Step 3: Spending Time Together
Once two people like each other, they need time together to see if they’re a good match. Planning a date is a skill that can be taught step‑by‑step:
- Who will I ask?
- What will we do?
- How will I ask?
- When will we go?
- How much will it cost?
- Who will pay?
- How will we get there?
Many adults need support with:
- Transportation
- Scheduling
- Money management
- Chaperoning (especially early on)
- Privacy
Face‑to‑face time is essential. It helps both people learn about each other and decide whether the relationship should continue.
Step 4: Deciding If You’re a Good Match
Not every date becomes a relationship — and that’s okay. Adults with Down Syndrome benefit from coaching to evaluate:
- Mutual interest
- Shared hobbies or values
- Time spent getting to know each other slowly
- Respect for boundaries
- Shared power (no one person makes all the decisions)
These are the foundations of a healthy relationship.
Step 5: Doing the Relationship Work
Healthy relationships require effort. Adults with Down Syndrome can learn:
- How to communicate.
- How to compromise.
- How to solve problems.
- How to respect boundaries.
- How to defend their own boundaries.
- How to recognize unhealthy or unsafe behavior.
If the relationship is not going well, they may need help deciding whether to:
- Break up.
- Work on the problem.
- Keep going if things improve.
💡 Helpful Tool
Want a simple way to remember these steps?
Download the Healthy Dating & Relationship Support Checklist for Families to keep these skills front‑and‑center.
Recognizing Unhealthy vs. Healthy Dating for Adults with Down Syndrome
Supporting healthy dating for adults with Down Syndrome means giving them the tools, information, and confidence to build relationships that are safe and fulfilling.
Adults with Down Syndrome often benefit from clear, concrete examples.
Healthy Behaviours
- Calls to check in.
- Kindness in public and private.
- Respect for boundaries.
- Enjoying time with family and friends.
- Shared decision‑making.
- Honesty.
- Dependability.
Unhealthy Behaviours
- Only calling when they want something.
- Yelling or name‑calling.
- Jealousy or controlling behaviour.
- Lying.
- Rushing the relationship.
- Ignoring boundaries.
- Physical aggression.
- Pressure to keep secrets.
If any bolded unhealthy behaviors appear, it’s time to step in.
Teaching Communication Skills: “I” Statements
Adults with Down Syndrome can learn to express feelings clearly:
- I feel…
- When you…
- Because…
- Please…
Example:
I feel upset when you call me nicknames because I asked you not to. Please stop calling me nicknames.
This builds confidence and reduces conflict.
Handling Rejection and Breakups
Rejection is part of life — and adults with Down Syndrome need reassurance that:
- It’s okay for someone to say “no”.
- It’s okay for them to say “no”.
- Feelings of sadness are normal.
- Breakups happen when people no longer want the same things.
Healthy coping strategies include:
- Talking to family or friends.
- Journaling.
- Listening to music.
- Spending time with loved ones.
- Doing hobbies.
- Remembering that feelings get better with time.
Touch, Affection, and Sexuality
Touch and affection are meaningful parts of dating. Adults with Down Syndrome should learn:
- What types of touch feel okay for them.
- How to ask about a partner’s boundaries.
- How to respect boundaries.
- Why public displays of affection (PDA) may not be appropriate.
- That sexual expression requires:
- Consent
- Equal power
- Equal understanding
- Privacy
- Protection
- Mutual enjoyment
- Sexuality is healthy — and adults with Down Syndrome deserve accurate, respectful information.
Final Thoughts
Adults with Down Syndrome want what all adults want: connection, affection, companionship, and love. With the right support, they can build relationships that are safe, respectful, and deeply fulfilling.
As Terri Couwenhoven reminds us:
“The need for intimacy is far greater than the need for sex.”
When we provide permission, information, and guidance, we empower adults with Down Syndrome to experience the joy of healthy relationships — on their own terms.
